The Scientology Cathedral features neoclassical stucco and drywall construction. This edifice is not, as many tourists seem to believe, the new Marriott.
“Flag Land Base has gone criminal!” declared Senior International Ecclesiastical Sec Checker and Interim IJC Captain Davis Jackinov.
“Fleet Admiral Miscavige entrusted Flag to forward command intention with our new 21st century cathedral and what did he get in return?”
“A monumental Statcrash in the Cathedral!”
Senior International Ecclesiastical Sec Checker and Interim IJC Captain Davis Jackinov.
“This statcrash threatens the eternity of every man, woman, and child on this planet for the next one hundred trillion years!” Jackinov warned Scientologists.
“Fleet Admiral Miscavige has issued an Emergency Imperial RTC Encyclical stating that only an immediate and mandatory 47X increase in IAS statuses is sufficient to unenturbulate the enturbulated theta of this sector of the galaxy!”
“In happier news,” emphasized Captain Jackinov, “hamburger sales at the PAC Base canteen are booming!”
“PAC body routers are able to snare fully 65% of wogs who are lured to the base by the scent of hamburgers. Other bases have been ordered ordered to follow this successful action”
“Soon there will be Scientology fast food restaurants attached to all Ideal Orgs. Nothing else has worked, and so we in the Church of Scientology are not averse to using hamburger-trappping tech on wogs.”
“Captain David Miscavige is inviting you to drop by your nearest Ideal Org to experience the new Sec Check Lite!” enthused Church spokesman Ken Delusion.
“Designed by RTC to handle your crimes against Captain Miscavige and the Church, the new Sec Check Lite will get you back flying on the Bridge in no time!”
“Sec Check Lite skips the interrogation of your wholetrack crimes and zeroes in on your present time crimes:
- Have you been reading entheta online?
- Are you connected to SP’s?
- What hidden stashes of money are you withholding from the IAS?
- Where is the global headquarters of Anonymous located?
- Why have you been making Captain Miscavige wrong for your failures?
- Why do you hate the Ideal Org program?
- Why do you refuse to answer the phone when your Org calls you?
- Have you destroyed a planet or a civilization this lifetime?
- Did you go past a word you didn’t understand?
- Why didn’t you attend the last costume fundraiser at your Org?
- Did you go exterior with no perceptions?
- Have you secretly sabotaged Scientology organizations?
- Were you sent in by the Psychs?
- Who is paying you?
“As you can see,” Delusion exclaimed, “the new Sec Check Lite is a piece of cake compared to the old sec checks! Come into today, get cleaned up, and get back to winning in life!”
In an ecclesiastical miracle for the ages, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has just found the LOST TECH OF ARBITRATION.
Written by the Founder in 1982, this lost tech proves that arbitration policy has existed in the Church for 35 years. COB also found 537 arbitration cases files that had been concealed inside a wall during a routine drywall repair procedure following an HGB staff meeting.
OSA conducted a hard-hitting investigation which revealed that IJC Mike Ellis was a Psych sent into the Church to hide files and conceal evidence of a fair, just, and impartial arbitration procedure conducted by an independent third party agreed upon by both sides. The bona fides are all there in the files recovered by COB.
Now it all makes sense: A deep-cover Psych posing as the Scientology IJC tried to make the Church lose a crucial legal case thereby ruining Mankind’s only hope of salvation. When the records were checked, OSA further determined that Ellis was actually a low ranking file clerk who was pretending to be the IJC.
Ellis has been terminated for cause and will likely run off to HBO to join the eight bitter defrocked apostates who are attacking the Church.
In honor of COB’s Recovery of the Lost Tech of Arbitration, a statue will be sculpted in his image and likeness and placed in out new 21st century cathedral in Clearwater.
There is nothing wrong with your internets.
This is only a test of the SP Broadcasting System.
Do not attempt to adjust the entheta. We are controlling transmission.
If we wish to make the entheta louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper.
We control the horizontal. We control the vertical. We can roll the entheta, make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity.
We repeat: This is only a test of the SP Broadcasting System. In the case of actual breaking news on the Church of Scientology, you would have been instructed to tune to The Underground Bunker or other official websites.
This completes our test of the SP Broadcasting System.
You will now be returned to the regular internets.