We in the Church of Scientology Deny Attacks on HBO’s Going Clear Documentary

JZGCommanding Officer, Social Media Unit OSA Int Captain Josef Gorman today denied that the Church of Scientology was contacting members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS).

“These Academy members,” said Captain Gorman, “can certainly vote for any documentary they choose. However, to give an Oscar to Going Clear is an act of religious hatred.”

“Or at least that is how we feel in the Church of Scientology. After all, we in the Church stand for strong moral and ethical values. As such, we are opposed to decadent films, trashy novels, and the vulgar torrents of filth seen on the internet. Our sacred duty, you see, is to create a planet without war, crime, or insanity.”

When asked what sort of movies committed Scientologists should watch, Captain Gorman responded, “We in the Exec Strata of Church management favor films  whose main characters are coldblooded and ruthless when it comes to the only thing that matters in life and that is money. For this reason we like this scene in  Glengarry Glen Ross that accurately convicts the essence of the Church Scientology.

David Miscavige Makes It Official: He is Running for President in 2016!

DM.4.PresidentPrivate citizen and global ecclesiastical leader David Miscavige today announced that he is running for President of the United States.

“America needs aggressive new leadership. I’m the only one who can go to Washington DC and knock some damn sense into the SP’s and their Psych Masters in Congress.”

“Washington DC is full of proveable bullshit. I’m the ultimate outsider, the only tough sonofabitch who’s ready to go in and singlehandedly beat the wog homo sap establishment to a bloody pulp,” roared Miscavige from his podium at Deluxe Model Ideal Org #129 in Los Angeles.

“My platform is simple:

  • A return to the 110 hour work week that made America great
  • A minimum wage of .10 cents per hour to make America competitive
  • A return to the full legalization and celebration of cigarette smoking
  • The end of phony and unnecessary high school diplomas
  • The end of the wog education system
  • No taxes on the wealthy and superwealthy who become Scientologists
  • A 12% corporate flat tax to finance Scientology social betterment programs
  • The end of Obamacare and of all wog healthcare altogether
  • Mandatory weekly sec checks for all Americans
  • Driving the homeless and illegals into the oceans and drowning them
  • Public beatings of senators and congress people who screw up
  • Weekly public beatings of SP’s in town squares across America
  • The criminalization of Psychiatry and Psych drugs
  • The criminalization of the internet

“But most importantly at all, on the first day I am in office, I will issue a Presidential decree outlawing all attacks on religion on the internet, television, radio, newspapers, magazines, in the streets, and even in private homes. Any SP religious-hating bigots caught breaking my decree will be beaten and executed on the spot.”

Surprise RTC Announcement: The First Four OT X’s in the World Have Been Made on the Freewinds!


We in RTC are pleased to announce the first four OT X’s in the world have been made aboard the Freewinds.

“These OT X’s are no longer homo saps; they have transcended the human form to become Homo Novis,” declared senior C/S Int Captain Holotta Delusion.

“These telepathic new Scientology super-beings are ravenous and feed on human flesh and blood. Specifically, each of these OT X’s needs to consume 8-10 wogs (humans) per day to remain stably OT X. If they miss a meal they could drop down to OT IX, or worse OT VIII! That’s why their orders are to keep moving and keep feeding on wogs.”

“At last and finally, OT X solves the problems of both Scientology-hating wogs and wog overpopulation.”

“This first group of OT X’s is being turned loose to terminatedly handle the SP problem,” said Captain Delusion. “In a few weeks there will no longer be any SP’s posting online anywhere — and when these OT X’s are through with the SP’s they will turn their attention to the Psychs.”

“Soon we will have thousands of OT X’s out there clearing the planet,” enthused Captain Delusion. “By this time next year only a few remaining wogs will remain in museums.”

Global Climate Change Linked to Increased Attacks on Scientology

Senior C/S WUS

Dr. Dirk Duchebaag

“The evidence is conclusive,” said Dr. Dirk Duchebaag, the Director of the Church of Scientology’s Center for Science in the Public Interest.

“Global warming is linked to increased attacks upon the Church of Scientology by SP’s”

“Expressed in terms of science, SP  attacks upon Scientology dump two hundred million tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere annually. This translates into fifty billion BTU’s of atmospheric heating. Shockingly, HBO’s Going Clear made this all exponentially worse by a factor of 5,000X! No wonder the glaciers are melting!”

“The chart shown below scientifically proves the following conclusions:

  • Positive activities performed by the Church of Scientology definitively reduce global warming.
  • Attacks on the Church dramatically increase global warming.
  • Th fate of the planet absolutely depends upon Scientology being free from attacks by SP’s.

The implications of Scientology’s study is clear: A special set of laws need to be enacted immediately by the US Congress and the UN to give the Church of Scientology special protections from criticism while simultaneously rounding up SP’s and  imprisoning them on a mass basis in concentration camps in Alaska. The old “Siberia Bill” in the US Congress can be easily revived and signed into law in order to protect Scientology while harshly punishing SP’s.”

“COB RTC David Miscavige addressed the Siberia Bill in his Emmy-winning appearance with wog journalist Ted Koppel”

The Church of Scientology School of Documentary Filmmaking Now Accepting Applications


The Church of Scientology School of Documentary Filmmaking in now accepting applications for its campus located in Hollywood, California.

Core curriculum focuses on field work using hand held cameras to attack, accost, and stalk SP’s, wog journalists, Scientology haters, and others who oppose the Church’s core message that human bodies are infested with the spirits of dead space aliens and that salvation can only come about through a $360,000 program of e-meter exorcism and abject obedience to our glorious and exalted leader Fleet Admiral David Miscavige, Lord High Protector of the Espinol United Moons, Planets, and Asteroids Confederation.

Students must sign a series of contracts and releases in which they voluntarily consent to long hours, low or no pay, and mandatory beatings. Quality is not important. Rather, our curriculum, inspired as it is by ISIS, emphasizes the use of film in social media as a weapon of insane religious revenge and hatred.

Ideal applicants will have a dark, foreboding, and superstitious 12th century view of life and be driven by the qualities of violence, paranoia, and magical thinking born of a deep and wholly malignant innate psychosis. Hearing voices in your head is a plus.

Those with untreated mental illness on parole for crimes of violence and thus accustomed to living a strict and brutal highly regimented prison-style life in a confined and guarded barracks setting under 24/7 surveillance are especially encouraged to apply.

Pope Francis Holds an Outdoor Mass For One Million People; Pope Miscavige Presents a 22 Year Old Video


September 2015: Pope Francis visited America, met with President Obama, spoke to a joint session of the US Congress, met with school children, visited prisoners, and held an outdoor Mass in Philadelphia attended by a crowd estimated at 1,000,000 people. Pope Francis preached the Christian message of love, mercy, and forgiveness.

Conversely, Scientology Pope David Miscavige has ordered Scientologists in good standing to watch a 22 year old video.  In this video, Pope Miscavige announced the planetary-changing, epic, monumental news that the Church of Scientology had received tax exemption from the IRS. This IRS approval allowed American Scientologists to deduct donations to Scientology from their taxes and thus changed the entire course of world history forever.

But more importantly, religious tax exemption allowed we in the Church of Scientology to get away with our unique brand of brutality; greed; habitual lying; blackmail; interrogation; spying; and the destruction of Disconnection and Fair Game — and all with tax free dollars.

Others can believe in God and love; we believe in grabbing as much cold hard cash as we can get our hands on — and don’t get in our way because we are most definitely not a “turn the other cheek” religion.


Pope David Miscavige Announces Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology


“Continuing on his historic Man of the People Tour, Scientology Pope David Miscavige today addressed a packed house of twenty-three people at the Odd Fellows Temple in Truckee, California.

“Pope Miscavige chose the picturesque Odd Fellows Temple to make an announcement of such epic and historic proportions that it will remembered as the most pivotal day in the entire history of the world eclipsing even the Moon landing and the invention of fire, the wheel, and the arch,” declared Papal envoy Monsignor Ken Delusion.

“Pope Miscavige’s epic announcement is Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology.”

“Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology allows a person to do whatever they want and still be completely forgiven by the Church of Scientology on a wholetrack basis: past, present, and future.”

“Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology addresses the entire thetan: The genetic entity, BT’s, engrams, implants, ridges, flows, stuck points, fixations, held down sevens, theetie-wheetieness, dilettantism, and even the rampant spectatorism that afflicts the Church. No matter your ruin, crime, overt, or withhold, Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology will handle it.”

“With Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology packages beginning as low $2,500,000, spiritual freedom is closer than ever before in the entire agonized history of Scientology.”

“At last and finally under the guidance of Pope Miscavige, the Church of Scientology can now be said to be completely full of Scientology Holistic Indulgence Technology,” enthused Monsignor Delusion.