The Church of Scientology and Provable Bullshit

Church of Scientology spokesperson Karin Pouw

Church of Scientology spokesperson Karin Pouw

We in RTC wish to comment upon Church spokesman Karin Pouw’s  reply to scurrilous allegations that Captain  David Miscavige told two private investigators to not intervene and allow his father to die if the elder Miscavige appeared to be dying: “If he dies, he dies,” Captain Miscavige allegedly said to the PI’s.

In refuting this outrage, Ms. Pouw emphasized this point:

So let me be clear: No such conversation with Mr. Miscavige ever took place and any claim that one did is provable bullshit.

Through Scientology spokesman Karin Pouw, then, Captain Miscavige has made a definitive ecclesiastical statement for the ages about the Church of Scientology and  bullshit:

  • There is provable bullshit
  • There is unprovable bullshit

We in RTC hereby order the media to follow Captain Miscavige’s new ecclesiastical ruling on the Church of Scientology and bullshit. Rather than simply reprinting what some wog hater, psych-infested journalist, or bitter defrocked apostate has said about the Church or Captain Miscavige, we demand to review all allegations. We will then respond as follows:

  • Where an allegation is provable bullshit we will say so
  • Where an allegation is unprovable bullshit we will note that as well

We in RTC realize that the Church of Scientology throwing around the term “bullshit” in such a hostile and public manner is not very professional; in fact it is quite offensive and vulgar. Nevertheless, that is how we roll bitches.

In happier news, Scientology Media Productions is almost ready to go live and begin broadcasting complete bullshit 24/7/365.

When Thetans Drove Chrysler’s


“1962. Except for a few Commies who had been sent in to cause trouble, everything was A-OK with Scientology.

“Back then we all smoked Kools and drove great big ol’ Chrysler’s just like Ron.”

“This was the same year the so-called ‘UFO’ flew low down Main Street in broad daylight right there in front of the Iowa Org. We all knew it was a Marcab attempt to implant Iowans and bias them against Scientology.”

“This, in my opinion, is when everything changed because, shortly thereafter, the FDA raided the Church.”

“We in the Church of Scientology got a bad rap only because that Marcab beam ship did its deadly best and implanted Iowans. The contagion spread and things kept getting worse.”

“Now it’s probably about to get a whole lot worse.”

We in Scientology Don’t Know Nuthin’

“We in the Choich ah Scientology don’t know nuthin’ bout any computer hacking.”

“We are upstandin’ citizens Senator.”

“It’s just by some weird coincidence that this gumshoe — and we never herda  this guy Saldarriaga — is hacking two guys who don’t like Scientology.”

“It’s just, ahhh, justa strange and unexplainable coincidence that this particular sitchu-achun would occur as it seems to have transpired.”

“Mr. Miscavige was outta town when it happened. He was real busy opening Ideal Orgs see. And with that we, as our twenty-two fancy wog attorneys have advised us Senator,  assert our Fifth Amendment rights.”



techWe in RTC have declared the SP Toronto Conference, or conclave, or whatever it is you people are calling your meeting, an illegal criminal assembly.

Actual investigation has determined the gathering to be awash in criminals, Suppressive Persons, bitter defrocked apostates, jokers and degraders, agents of Big Pharma, Marcabs, Helotrobes, Venutian freight locomotive operators, squirrels, communists, troublemakers, freethinkers, Trotskyite wreckers, diversionaries, saboteurs, and shadowy agents from the nebulous fringes of the internet.

To prevent this contagion of aberration from spreading and infecting the body politic of the Church, Scientologists in good standing are forbidden to travel anywhere near Canada. All 5,000,000 Scientologists living in Canada are hereby ordered to immediately evacuate south to the emergency nuclear proof vaults in Trementina, New Mexico.

Having no choice but to confront and shatter suppression in Toronto, the Church of Scientology has imposed an immediate economic blockade of Toronto. Regrettably, then, and due to the criminal activity of those illegally assembled in Toronto, the Church of Scientology has ceased shipments of e-meters into the region.

We realize depriving Toronto of e-meters is a draconian measure that will punish all Torontonians for the crimes of a few, but we in RTC must make Toronto suffer the harsh reality of an e-meterless existence to underscore the severity of allowing SP’s to openly gather in Toronto.

In an act of extreme ecclesiastical mercy, however, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige six weeks ago secretly ordered the MV Freewinds to sail up the St. Lawrence River to Lake Ontario. At 2200 hours local time on Wednesday, therefore, the MV Freewinds will be docked in Toronto right next to the Jack Layton Ferry Terminal.

All SP’s wishing clemency from the wrath Fleet Admiral Miscavige and the Church are to report to the MV Freewinds and surrender themselves to OSA.

Your parking will be validated.

Those who surrender themselves will be routed onto the SP Toronto Conference Truth Rundown (SPTCTR) where they will write up their crimes, withholds, and overts. Furthermore, these persons must turn in all of their contacts, hard drives, and other electronic media to OSA.

This is the only way to prevent spending lifetime after lifetime alone and in the dark.

Masturbatory Activities in the Church of Scientology Must Cease!

khrushchev-1“Enormous amounts of present time masturbatory activities prevent the Church of Scientology from attaining forward progress,” declared WDC Chairman Dr. Frank Wonderman.

“Instead of clearing the planet, public Scientologists are engaged in the chronic masturbatory activity of auditing — and yet auditing will never raise one’s IAS Patron Status!”

“Auditing is an aberrated 1st dynamic fixation — it is a ‘me me me’ computation — and is therefore criminal ripoff out exchange with the IAS. For this reason, we in the Exec Strata forbid Sea Org any auditing.”

“We in Management do not want Sea Org fixated with the same ‘me me me’ focus as pantywaist publics who hobbyhorse endlessly on their precious mocked up cases. Such indolence is a crime in the present environment in which Psych hammer blows rain down relentlessly upon COB and the body politic of the Church each day!”

“COB has emphatically stated as a technical fact that auditing will never open the door to terminatedly handling the great amounts of 4D suppression the Church  labors under daily. What will confront and shatter 4D suppression is increasing one’s IAS Patron status to the next highest level!”

“Scientologists must immediately cease their vast wholetrack masturbatory obsession with cracking their case or going up their Bridge. What COB wants and needs in PT is massive cash inflows to the IAS. Whereupon, my dear comrades, it becomes self-evident that real case gain, true case gain for eternity, lies in flowing power to COB RTC David Miscavige via the IAS.”

Secret RTC Briefing: Evil Billionaire Funding Tony Ortega


3D-Unbreakable-e1431277607923We in RTC have learned that an evil billionaire is funding Tony Ortega and his new book The Unbreakable Miss Lovely.

Although Fleet Admiral David Miscavige has nothing whatsoever with running the daily affairs of CSI, he recently ran into CO OSA Linda Hamel at the water cooler and suggested to her that it would be splendid if OSA located the anonymous billionaire.

In happier news, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige’s new portrait now proudly hangs in the Exalted Golden IAS Patron’s Pavilion in the Great Hall of Exact Data. This portrait is has been described by important international art critics as having “a pleasing and exceptionally high aesthetic wavelength that communicates fully the nature and essence of Fleet Admiral Miscavige’s singular and Herculean labors whereby, and through the work of his own hands alone as none could equal his endurance, he has wrought 928,754 new Ideal Orgs located at the epicenters of civilizations scattered across nineteen continents in the 15,901 countries of the world.”

Welcome to the Church of Scientology – Indoctrination for New Members

Welcome to the Church of Scientology.

You have made a very wise decision to improve yourself through the use of our highly effective spiritual technology.

An exciting spiritual adventure awaits. Our copyrighted spiritual technology will allow you to precisely date locate, re-experience, and thereby erase all of the painful engrams stored in your reactive mind. And as you move with GAT II’s fastest-ever speeds up the Bridge to Total Freedom, you’ll quickly become a Clear who has no reactive mind — and then onto the summit of the OT levels!

Scientology’s electropsychometer — or “e-meter” as we call it — will probe the deepest recesses of your prurient, festering, and filthy self-absorbed mind, thereby relieving you of your hidden evil purposes and the vast reservoir of guilty secrets that lay hidden just beneath the surface. We know what makes you tick and it is not good.

The e-meter is your friend and so is your auditor. Likewise, all of us in the Church of Scientology are your friends.

We care so very deeply about you.

It is for this reason that you must, while in the recorded sessions with your auditor, unreservedly confess to us all of your horrible crimes and sins in order to free yourself. For example, we must know the intimate details of your secret drug-fueled masturbatory orgies. What detestable fantasies run through your head during these assuredly self-hating bouts of onanism?

And what of embezzlement, grand theft, or any other felonies you have committed and do not want the authorities to discover? We need to know the details of just exactly what you did, how you got away with it, and how much money is involved. Please be assured we can certainly make “problem money” go away very quickly thereby relieving you of any undue concerns.

As for your current marriage or primary relationship: If the other person is not a Scientologist, or is not willing to promptly become a Scientologist, why then they must be gotten rid of immediately. Drive them from your life now! If needed, we are quite proficient at helping make these hateful anti-Scientologists go away and even disappear. The same applies to any of your friends who are not friendly to Scientology. We are very friendly. As Scientologists, however, we simply do not care to associate ourselves with Suppressive Persons (SP’s).

SP’s are quite insane and are actually criminals. As such, SP’s are opposed to anyone getting better by using Scientology’s safe and effective drug free solutions to life.

For your own safety you must stay away from SP’s. We will tell you who and who is not an SP.

We are the most ethical group on the planet.

Your secrets are unquestionably safe with us.

Your auditing sessions are recorded only for internal training purposes.

You must help us help you. You must never try to hide anything from us. You must never keep any secrets from us or attempt to hide any money from us. You must never run away from us and make us come after you because we will.

Please do not confuse our intense love and affection for stalking. For instance, if you come to home to find your fellow Scientologists conducting a detailed inspection of your residence and possessions, you need not be alarmed. We are simply acting in your best interest by taking away from you those possessions we feel could harm you. Such possessions include, but are not limited to, computers and all other devices capable of connecting to the internet or placing calls to your so-called family and friends. We have issued you a two-way radio. You can call us if needed. When we call you on your radio, and we will several times each hour to check in on your progress, you must answer.

Instant obedience is the way of life in Scientology. You must use every waking moment to improve and perfect your instant obedience and commitment to the Church of Scientology.

You will be precisely indoctrinated in order to achieve the absolute state of spiritual enlightenment. This is achieved by a strict monastic regimen of painful and soul-rending confession, malnourishment, beatings, and sleep deprivation. While this intense monastic regime results in alternating states of giddy euphoria and abject self-debasement, we assure you this only a temporary state. Indeed, when the “extreme crisis phase” of this exalted spiritual state reaches its climax, the reactive mind rather unexpectedly and permanently erases. Suddenly you “go Clear” because you are Clear.

We will present you with a handsomely framed certificate verifying the State of Clear you have reached. This certificate may be displayed in your home. This certificate is all the proof needed to verify that you are an advanced spiritual being whose IQ and abilities mark  you as being better and smarter than the seven billion inferior people on this planet who are not Scientologists.

It is an actual scientific fact that when you improve yourself using Scientology you are vastly superior in every way to what we secretly call “homo saps” or “wogs”, i.e. non-Scientologists. You will eventually become an Operating Thetan, or “OT.”

And when you become an exalted OT VIII like Tom Cruise, you too will know the seventy-six trillion year old hidden Nazi history of Psychiatry. You too will be the only one who can help at the scene of an accident.

This completes your “Welcome to the Church of Scientology” Level 1.

Our uniformed security personnel will now escort you to Room 5A. There we need you to quickly sign some paperwork authorizing the Church of Scientology to implant a micro-GPS device behind your left ear. This device includes a sound chip. Should you fail to answer when we call you on your radio, this device will emit an undulating shrill pitch until you answer our call.