Church of Scientology spokesperson Karin Pouw
We in RTC wish to comment upon Church spokesman Karin Pouw’s reply to scurrilous allegations that Captain David Miscavige told two private investigators to not intervene and allow his father to die if the elder Miscavige appeared to be dying: “If he dies, he dies,” Captain Miscavige allegedly said to the PI’s.
In refuting this outrage, Ms. Pouw emphasized this point:
So let me be clear: No such conversation with Mr. Miscavige ever took place and any claim that one did is provable bullshit.
Through Scientology spokesman Karin Pouw, then, Captain Miscavige has made a definitive ecclesiastical statement for the ages about the Church of Scientology and bullshit:
- There is provable bullshit
- There is unprovable bullshit
We in RTC hereby order the media to follow Captain Miscavige’s new ecclesiastical ruling on the Church of Scientology and bullshit. Rather than simply reprinting what some wog hater, psych-infested journalist, or bitter defrocked apostate has said about the Church or Captain Miscavige, we demand to review all allegations. We will then respond as follows:
- Where an allegation is provable bullshit we will say so
- Where an allegation is unprovable bullshit we will note that as well
We in RTC realize that the Church of Scientology throwing around the term “bullshit” in such a hostile and public manner is not very professional; in fact it is quite offensive and vulgar. Nevertheless, that is how we roll bitches.
In happier news, Scientology Media Productions is almost ready to go live and begin broadcasting complete bullshit 24/7/365.
“We in the Choich ah Scientology don’t know nuthin’ bout any computer hacking.”
“We are upstandin’ citizens Senator.”
“It’s just by some weird coincidence that this gumshoe — and we never herda this guy Saldarriaga — is hacking two guys who don’t like Scientology.”
“It’s just, ahhh, justa strange and unexplainable coincidence that this particular sitchu-achun would occur as it seems to have transpired.”
“Mr. Miscavige was outta town when it happened. He was real busy opening Ideal Orgs see. And with that we, as our twenty-two fancy wog attorneys have advised us Senator, assert our Fifth Amendment rights.”
SECRET RTC BRIEFING – DO NOT POST ON THE INTERNET
We in RTC have learned that an evil billionaire is funding Tony Ortega and his new book The Unbreakable Miss Lovely.
Although Fleet Admiral David Miscavige has nothing whatsoever with running the daily affairs of CSI, he recently ran into CO OSA Linda Hamel at the water cooler and suggested to her that it would be splendid if OSA located the anonymous billionaire.
In happier news, Fleet Admiral David Miscavige’s new portrait now proudly hangs in the Exalted Golden IAS Patron’s Pavilion in the Great Hall of Exact Data. This portrait is has been described by important international art critics as having “a pleasing and exceptionally high aesthetic wavelength that communicates fully the nature and essence of Fleet Admiral Miscavige’s singular and Herculean labors whereby, and through the work of his own hands alone as none could equal his endurance, he has wrought 928,754 new Ideal Orgs located at the epicenters of civilizations scattered across nineteen continents in the 15,901 countries of the world.”