Paramedics were called today when the Church of Scientology experienced a massive panic attack brought on by the imminent broadcast of HBO’s Going Clear.
“The rageaholic 65-year-old cult had been slinging mud at HBO for over a month when it suddenly realized it had failed to stop the television broadcast of Going Clear,” said Dr. Shirley Dye of the Hollywood Religious Hospital.
“The Cult suddenly became dizzy, collapsed on the sidewalk, and began hyperventilating and screaming to nearby pedestrians that it was about to die.”
“Concerned citizens dialed 911. The Church was transported by ambulance to the ICU here at the Hollywood Religious Hospital,” Dr. Dye commented.
“An MRI revealed that the Church of Scientology has a very serious and advanced case of third degree butthurt, the medical name of which is Miscavigitis.”
“There is no known treatment for this type of self-pitying butthurt.”
The long term prognosis for the Scientology Cult is not good,” Dr. Dye solemnly concluded. “Scientology appears to have developed chronic and irremediable butthurt and may need to be put into an assisted living facility such as a prison.”
The Terror-Rama Dome theater in Hollywood is showing the Psych-Funded HBO film Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief.
“Captain David Miscavige has ordered all 1,200,000,000 Scientologists in the Los Angeles area to call the Terror-Rama Dome 500-1000x each to repeatedly complain about this hateful and bigoted attack upon Scientology’s heavily-copyrighted $360,000 plan of salvation,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.
“What we really want,” Delusion emphasized, “is to have OSA collect up all copies of the book and the film Going Clear and then burn all of them in a giant bonfire at midnight on the grounds of Celebrity Centre International as Scientologists dance around in the nude and cackle manically.”
“We in the Church of Scientology truly hate all of these degraded homo sap wogs out there who think ‘freedom of speech’ is the freedom to attack our multibillion dollar religion-like transnational business. We in the Church of Scientology are very bitter and therefore Captain Miscavige has issued an Imperial Ecclesiastical Decree.”
– Imperial Ecclesiastical Decree from Captain David Miscavige —
“Hear my words ye peoples of Earth and tremble!”
“HBO is hereby ordered to cease its suppressive activities and turn over all copies of Going Clear to Scientology officials.”
“Additionally, the peoples of Earth are ordered to cease their attacks upon the Church of Scientology or face the dire consequences of great judgment!”
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