Church of Scientology Rushed to the Hospital in an Ambulance!

Paramedics were called today when the Church of Scientology experienced a massive panic attack brought on by the imminent broadcast of HBO’s Going Clear.

ambulance-ride“The rageaholic 65-year-old cult had been slinging mud at HBO for over a month when it suddenly realized it had failed  to stop the television broadcast of Going Clear,” said Dr. Shirley Dye of the Hollywood Religious Hospital.

“The Cult suddenly became dizzy, collapsed on the sidewalk, and began hyperventilating and screaming to nearby pedestrians that it was about to die.”

“Concerned citizens dialed 911. The Church was transported by ambulance to the ICU here at the Hollywood Religious Hospital,” Dr. Dye commented.

“An MRI revealed that the Church of Scientology has a very serious and advanced case of third degree butthurt, the medical name of which is Miscavigitis.”

“There is no known treatment for this type of self-pitying butthurt.”

The long term prognosis for the Scientology Cult is not good,” Dr. Dye solemnly concluded. “Scientology appears to have developed chronic and irremediable butthurt and may need to be put into an assisted living facility such as a prison.”

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Freedom Magazine Special Report: The Cancer Within

COB PTS 2 HBO

Terror-Rama Dome in Hollywood Showing Psych-Funded Hate Film!

The Terror-Rama Dome theater in Hollywood is showing the Psych-Funded HBO film Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief.

Captain David Miscavige has  ordered all 1,200,000,000 Scientologists in the Los Angeles area to call the Terror-Rama Dome 500-1000x each to repeatedly complain about this hateful and bigoted attack upon Scientology’s heavily-copyrighted $360,000 plan of salvation,” said Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“What we really want,” Delusion emphasized, “is to have OSA collect up all copies of the book and the film Going Clear and then burn all of them in a giant bonfire at midnight on the grounds of Celebrity Centre International as Scientologists dance around in the nude and cackle manically.”

“We in the Church of Scientology truly hate all of these degraded homo sap wogs out there who think ‘freedom of speech’ is the freedom to attack our multibillion dollar religion-like transnational business. We in the Church of Scientology are very bitter and therefore Captain Miscavige has issued an Imperial Ecclesiastical Decree.”

– Imperial Ecclesiastical Decree from Captain David Miscavige —

DM.12“Hear my words ye peoples of Earth and tremble!”

“HBO is hereby ordered to cease its suppressive activities and turn over all copies of Going Clear to Scientology officials.”

“Additionally, the peoples of Earth are ordered to cease their attacks upon the Church of Scientology or face the dire consequences of great judgment!”

Captain Miscavige Orders the Nuclear Option Against HBO!

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We in the Church of Scientology are under attack by the amassed global forces of planetary suppression.  Captain David Miscavige is in his RTC War Room handling the dire threat posed by Psych Master Alex Gibney, HBO, the 2.5% who comprise the class of Big-Pharma-funded SP’s, and of course the tiny handful of bitter defrocked apostates who oppose Scientology’s social betterment activities and fourth dynamic salvage campaigns.

Accordingly, Captain David Miscavige has ordered the “Nuclear Option” against Psych Master Alex Gibney, HBO, and the SP’s and bitter defrocked apostates. DefCon 4: This is not a drill. Repeat: This is not a drill.


Captain Miscavige’s 13 Point Plan to Confront and Shatter Suppression Once and For All Time:

1. Posing as IRS agents, OSA personnel will round up SP’s by ordering them to appear for tax audits in Ideal Orgs cleverly disguised to  look like IRS offices:


2. Once inside the buildings, the SP’s will be seized and hit with a glycol- alcohol mixture which preparation is guaranteed to pick up a thetan:


3. The unconscious SP’s will then be folded up like origami and placed into the new super-secret GAT III bomb-pops. Whereupon, the bomb-pops will be filled with more glycol-alcohol and then flash frozen — thus making a thetan trap far more deadly than even GAT II:


4. The flash frozen bomb-pops will be loaded into the bomb-bays on the Church of Scientology’s terrifying fleet of OSA Spaceliners. Our Spaceliners will then take off for Target 3:


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5. Flown by OSA Attack Squadron 4,  our fleet of more than 9,000 OSA Spaceliners will arrive to Target 3 at warp speed:


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6. The glass cockpits of the Stealth RTC Network Command Spaceliners will permit Captain Miscavige and RTC to control the action from full stealth mode:


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7. The RTC FLIR Volcano Acquisition System ensures that OSA Spaceliners will find the principal volcanoes of Target 3:


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8. We in the Church of Scientology will finally have our sweet revenge against all SP’s and bitter defrocked apostates when the war cry of “Bombs Away!” is called by Captain Miscavige. Trailing long tails of glycol-alcohol behind them, the melting bomb-pops will  cause the frozen SP’s to suddenly revivify in shock and horror as they are hurtled into the superheated volcanoes! Who’s laughing now jokers & degraders?!


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9.  After the the  homo saps are dropped into the volcanoes, RTC Confederation Nuclear Squadron Six will descend from outer space to drop its deadly cargo of nuclear-tipped cruise missiles on all SP’s and bitter defrocked apostates:


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10. Suppression fully confronted and shattered!


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11. CST Collector Ships will next move in to  harvest the billions of thetans of the knocked-out SP’s. The SP’s will be transported to CSI implanting facilities for further processing. After being harvested and compacted, the SP thetans will be made to watch the Orientation video for 36 days straight followed by all of COB’s 1,826 speeches.


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12. Freed from their money along with their reactive minds, IAS Patrons at Flag Land Base will uncork the champagne and party like it’s 1952 in Havana:

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13. Thank you sir, thank you COB. You are the leader of leaders and the thetan of thetans!

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KCET Rental Televisions: One-Channel RTC-Approved TV for Scientologists!

KCET.Rental.Televisions

The KCET Rental Television receives only one RTC-approved broadcast channel: Scientology Media Productions.

The KCET B&W Rental Television can be rented monthly for $1995. Rental color televisions are $2995 per month. The home antenna required for broadcast TV reception is a separate fee of $595 per month.

Scientology Media Productions content is available only on KCET rental televisions for an additional $1995 per month plus + viewers must be, at a minimum, IAS Humanitarians and Cornerstone members in good standing with the Church. 2-4 sec check intensives are required as part of the application process necessary to rent a KCET Rental Television.

Scientology Media Productions content is broadcast in 60 minute increments. After watching the content, viewers must telex in a signed success story to Ethics in order to be approved to watch the next 60 minute broadcast.

KCET Rental Televisions: Keeping Scientologists safe from Entheta!

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