The Egress Rundown

SP.Bldg“The new Egress Rundown is the ultimate recovery of lost tech that puts you in charge of your eternity!” gushed Flag spokesman Ken Delusion.”

“Fully ninety-dimensional and epic, the Egress Rundown is the embodiment of Axiom 1188: “The way out is the way through — the nearest door.”

“In this supremely vital, and confidential, new planetary-changing rundown preclears actually go exterior from the Church, COB, and, yes, even the IAS! This is the Egress to Total Freedom!”


.3“OMFG!” exclaimed OT Jenny L., “I got my life back from doing the Egress Rundown. I was at a stuck point for decades and then *POW!* I went through the Egress and instantly went exterior to Flag, the Church, COB and everything else. No more held down 7’s! for this thetan!”

sacry.1“I was keyed-in for decades,” confessed OT Dave B. “I was a complete NCG.  Then *BOOM* the Egress Rundown. I went exterior to Flag, the Church, COB, and my posts and hats. I am finally at cause!”


“You name it: the RPF, the Hole, SRA’s, ecclesiastical beatings: Nothing could crack my case,” declared OT Marc Y. ” Then I did the Egress Rundown and *WHAM!* I went fully exterior with full perception. I was literally on a public street and was fully myself in present time. I can now do whatever I want!”

The Egress Rundown can be done solo, as a co-audit, or in groups. The Egress Rundown is free and is as close as the nearest egress.

Statcrash in the Cathedral

The Scientology Cathedral is of neoclassical  stucco and drywall construction ornamented by travertine. This edifice is not, as many tourists seem to believe, the corporate headquarters of Taco Bell.

The Scientology Cathedral features neoclassical stucco and drywall construction. This edifice is not, as many tourists seem to believe, the new Marriott.

“Flag Land Base has gone criminal!” declared Senior International Ecclesiastical Sec Checker and Interim IJC Captain Davis Jackinov.

“Fleet Admiral Miscavige entrusted Flag to forward command intention with our  new 21st century cathedral and what did he get in return?”

“A monumental Statcrash in the Cathedral!

 Senior International Ecclesiastical Sec Checker and Interim IJC Captain Davis Jackinov.

Senior International Ecclesiastical Sec Checker and Interim IJC Captain Davis Jackinov.

“This statcrash threatens the eternity of every man, woman, and child on this planet for the next one hundred trillion years!” Jackinov warned Scientologists.

“Fleet Admiral Miscavige has issued an Emergency Imperial RTC Encyclical stating that only an immediate and mandatory 47X increase in IAS statuses is sufficient to unenturbulate the enturbulated theta of this sector of the galaxy!”

“In happier news,” emphasized Captain Jackinov, “hamburger sales at the PAC Base canteen are booming!”

“PAC body routers are able to snare fully 65% of wogs who are lured to the base by the scent of hamburgers. Other bases have been ordered ordered to follow this successful action”

“Soon there will be Scientology fast food restaurants attached to all Ideal Orgs. Nothing else has worked, and so we in the Church of Scientology are not averse to using hamburger-trappping tech on wogs.”

Why Scientology Costs So Much Money

Captain David Miscavige

Imperial Scientology Naval High Command Surface and Undersea Forces Fleet Admiral David Miscavige of the Exalted Religious Technology Center, the Guarantor of Ecclesiastical Purity in all Sectors of the Galaxy excluding those jurisdictions where the Besotted Fleet Admiral is named in lawsuits, subpoenas, depositions, arrest warrants, or where he is otherwise in jeopardy of being held accountable for his own actions.

“We in the Church of Scientology wish to point out that planets don’t clear themselves,” declared Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Clearing costs money as do Ideal Orgs, dissemination centers, hyperbaric implanting chambers, and soundproof interrogation rooms.”

“Factually,” Delusion emphasized, “you can’t put a price on TRUTH except we in the Church of Scientology can and do each and every day because someone must. Our technology allows us to do such things as put a price on engrams and other crimes.”

“People must be made to pay for their crimes and we in the Church of Scientology are here to collect their money.”

The RTC E-Meter Police arrest an SP for trafficking in unapproved E-Meters. The public is ordered to write up KR's on any  known or suspected black market activity in unapproved E-Meters.

Raging Homo Sap Raw Meat Wogs are a Danger to All Scientologists.

“As a general rule, an ordinary engram costs, on average, $12,500 to handle. Your typical homo sap raw meat wog usually has hundreds of thousands or millions of engrams. This is why auditing always inevitably adds up to great big sums of money. Such is the price of unenturbulating enturbulated theta.”

“And then of course there are IAS statuses to be purchased.”

New and Easier “Sec Checks Lite” Feature 50% Less Brutality!

CDM.10“Captain David Miscavige is inviting you to drop by your nearest Ideal Org to experience the new Sec Check Lite!” enthused Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

“Designed by RTC to handle your crimes against Captain Miscavige and the Church, the new Sec Check Lite  will get you back flying on the Bridge in no time!”

“Sec Check Lite skips the interrogation of your wholetrack crimes and zeroes in on your present time crimes:

  • Have you been reading entheta online?
  • Are you connected to SP’s?
  • What hidden stashes of money are you withholding from the IAS?
  • Where is the global headquarters of Anonymous located?
  • Why have you been making Captain Miscavige wrong for your failures?
  • Why do you hate the Ideal Org program?
  • Why do you refuse to answer the phone when your Org calls you?
  • Have you destroyed a planet or a civilization this lifetime?
  • Did you go past a word you didn’t understand?
  • Why didn’t you attend the last costume fundraiser at your Org?
  • Did you go exterior with no perceptions?
  • Have you secretly sabotaged Scientology organizations?
  • Were you sent in by the Psychs?
  • Who is paying you?

“As you can see,” Delusion exclaimed, “the new Sec Check Lite is a piece of cake compared to the old sec checks! Come into today, get cleaned up, and get back to winning in life!”

COB RTC David Miscavige Finds the Lost Tech of Arbitration!

commisarIn an ecclesiastical miracle for the ages, COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has just found the LOST TECH OF ARBITRATION.

Written by the Founder in 1982, this lost tech proves that arbitration policy has existed in the Church for 35 years. COB also found 537 arbitration cases files that had been concealed inside a wall during a routine drywall repair procedure following an HGB staff meeting.

OSA conducted a hard-hitting investigation which revealed that IJC Mike Ellis was a Psych sent into the Church to hide files and conceal evidence of a fair, just, and impartial arbitration procedure conducted by an independent third party agreed upon by both sides. The bona fides are all there in the files recovered by COB.

Now it all makes sense: A deep-cover Psych posing as the Scientology IJC tried to make the Church lose a crucial legal case thereby ruining Mankind’s only hope of salvation. When the records were checked, OSA further determined that Ellis was actually a low ranking file clerk who was pretending to be the IJC.

Ellis has been terminated for cause and will likely run off to HBO to join the eight bitter defrocked apostates who are attacking the Church.

In honor of COB’s Recovery of the Lost Tech of Arbitration, a statue will be sculpted in his image and likeness and placed in out new 21st century cathedral in Clearwater.


This Is a Test of the SP Broadcasting System

Underground Bunker.1


There is nothing wrong with your internets.

This is only a test of the SP Broadcasting System.

Do not attempt to adjust the entheta. We are controlling transmission.

If we wish to make the entheta louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper.

We control the horizontal. We control the vertical. We can roll the entheta, make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity.

We repeat: This is only a test of the SP Broadcasting System. In the case of actual breaking news on the Church of Scientology, you would have been instructed to tune to The Underground Bunker or other official websites.

This completes our test of the SP Broadcasting System.

You will now be returned to the regular internets.

OT Success Story


Helios  Vol. 11  No. 110  October, 1962  25“One day I was accused of beating numerous members of an unincorporated religious order.

“However, this couldn’t possibly be true because this religious order doesn’t legally exist and therefore has no members to beat.

“Moreover, as the Leader of Leaders, i.e. the global ecclesiastical leader of the world’s fastest growing religion, I am always universally praised and acclaimed by other world leaders. Indeed, I receive 1000-2000 awards, keys to cities, Nobel prizes in Physics, Emmy’s, Oscars, etc. each and every day. These accolades require millions of square feet to warehouse but that is another story as are my HSBC accounts.

“Given that I am spotless and without blemish before man and God, it offended my ecclesiastical sensibilities to have been accused of kicking, punching, choking, slapping, stomping, and slugging religious volunteers who work in unrelated parts of the Church I don’t know about. For instance, what is Gold Base? What is CSI? What is Narconon? I don’t know and am not familiar with these entities. I manage only a very small department whose sole purpose is to terminatedly handle errant semicolons and other malicious punctuation.

“Given the magnitude of these sudden and completely false SP Dead Agent attacks upon me, I made a quick and decisive OT Theta universe postulate to handle and presto! Suddenly 22 wog lawyers appeared to defend my good name and that of the Church.

“Miracles really do happen.

“I am well on my way to victory!” — D.M.