Captain David Miscavige’s New Book Now Available!

“Destined to become the definitive text for global ecclesiastical leaders everywhere, Captain David Miscavige’s The Art of Ecclesiastical Stage Design: A Study in Scientology Understatement offers vital data on how to drain the bank accounts and credit cards of fearful, vacuous, status-seeking parishioners by overwhelming and implanting them with bombastic speeches, warnings of impending Armageddon, empty promises, misleading depictions of stat-like graphs, veiled threats, and musical fanfare while promising and delivering to them absolutely nothing of value. A must have for ecclesiastical leaders who need boatloads of cash and want to avoid all possible legal problems and lawsuits.”— Ecclesiastical Leaders Weekly Magazine

As a bonus for purchasing this handsome volume ($4999.95 USD), Bridge Publications will include a free VHS copy of David Miscavige: Global Ecclesiastical Leader and Hero. Valued at $999.95, this VHS tells the story of how David Miscavige singlehandedly beat back the forces of 4D Psych suppression to make the Church of Scientol0gy what it is today: The fastest growing and most respected religion on the planet!

Tower of Scientology To House Criminal SP’s


“With record Scientology expansion comes record suppression,” said Church spokesman Ken Delusion, “and that is why Captain Miscavige had 24 additional stories added to the Superannuated Los Angeles Infinity Platinum Model Ideal Org.”

“The new ‘Scientology Tower’ it has been named, “will be used to conduct the Scientology religious interrogation and torture for which we are so admired by fascist regimes everywhere.”

“A word of warning,” Delusion ominously added, “anyone caught ‘joking’ that this very large addition is Captain Miscavige compensating for anything will be severely beaten and then hanged!”

Captain David Miscavige’s Long Awaited Memoirs Now Available from Bridge Publications International

From the book:

“Scientologist Tom Cruise trembled as he approached the golden glittering IAS stage to receive the highest medal ever given to anyone in Scientology.”

“He was in the presence of greatness.”

“That greatness was me.”

The Miracles of OT Marketing to Sheeple: How to sell Scientologists the same products year in and year out for 65 years and counting!

Golden shovels lead to Ideal Orgs! How to raise money endlessly for decades using empty old dilapidated buildings!

Captain Miscavige’s pro tips for handling troublesome celebrities!

“I kissed a man and I liked it!” How Captain Miscavige and the Church of Scientology profit from celebrity secrets!

July 8, 2015. Will Captain Miscavige prevent a Mass Marcab landing at Flag?

Scientology Fundraising in Action!

“You goddamn #*^&@#* SP! You call yourself an OT while you’re holding out on Scientology! Where’s the rest of your &*^(% money!”

“You call $1,000 a donation?! You’re not even close! Hand over the rest of your ,(&^*@# money to the IAS now!!!!”

Finally, an outdoor Comm Ev at St. Hill following a lackluster and less-than-heroic and fully monumental donation to the IAS:

Scientology Pharmaceutical Billionaire Bob Duggan to Sell Sea Org Members

Bob_DugganScientology OT and billionaire Bob Duggan has the Midas touch.

Having just made $3.55 billion dollars selling his pharmaceutical company Pharmacyclics to a wog drug company, Duggan realized just how much money there is to be made in Big Pharma.

And this is where Duggan ingeniously used his magical OT powers to instantly solve several big problems for the Church of Scientology while making both himself and the Church a fortune.

Duggan knew his beloved Church of Scientology was in the middle of a PR and financial nightmare of epic proportions. clearly understood that Church leader David “let him die” Miscavige was the ecclesiastical equivalent of a steaming over-filled colostomy bag.

Duggan realized that the Church of Scientology was less popular than even gonorrhea.

But what really troubled Bob Duggan was the Church’s cash burn on its slave labor force. Even if the Church’s 5000 Sea Org members were only paid $46 per week, that was still a hefty $230,000 per week plus the costs of rice and beans.

Duggan knew it was high time to cut the slave labor force by selling Sea Org members for medical experimentation, organ harvesting, and, well, for slave labor in African diamond mines and other dangerous places where worker protections aren’t needed.

Duggan’s new joint venture with Scientology was launched: Slaveacyclics. “$100,000 per head for a Sea Org member,” Duggan announced at a recent press conference. “Do whatever you want with these downstats.” And with those words, the RPF and weekly pay for Sea Org suddenly vanished as problems.

“Slaveacyclics also offers a ‘problem child relocation service,” Duggan added. “If you have problem kids, we’ll ship ’em off to a Scientology Ideal Org in Africa for a price plus a weekly maintenance fee. I personally piloted this program with COB and it works great.”

“Rounding out our product offering, Slaveacyclics offers a service to make people problems disappear permanently,” Duggan enthused. “For a fee we will have our special agent Mr. Usman Bello take people on ride down the Sagbama Expressway. No need to bother with all 419 details here. It’s Scientology at work, and, Scientology works when applied standardly,”Duggan winked.

Tough New WDC Chairman to Smash in Ethics on the Church!


“What was needed,” said Church spokesman Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, “was a tough new Watch Dog Committee (WDC) Chairman to smash in ethics on Scientologists.”

“Accordingly, the Board of Directors has appointed Holotta Delusion as the new WDC Chairman. Her main job is to ruthlessly hammer in ethics on all Scientologists and bring them back into full compliance with command intention!”

Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, Scientology Politeness Dictator

Comrade Dr. Frank Wonderman, Scientology Politeness Dictator

“Captain Delusion will locate and obliterate the rampant spectatorism that has allowed wildly suppressive activities such as Going Clear to rage uncontrolled on this planet!”

“Holotta Delusion is part of a tough new breed of Scientol0gy leadership that has been trained to instantly spot and handle any signs of disaffection, dilettantism, or defeatism!”

Captain Delusion will be merciless in rooting out and declaring all Scientologists who are found to be engaged in the following activities:

* Reading unapproved criminal websites

* Spreading or trafficking in provocative rumors about David Miscavige

* Refusing to donate sufficient sums of money so as to be in good standing with the Church

* Inquiring into the whereabouts or well-being of Sea Org member Shelly Miscavige

“COB RTC David Miscavige does not run the Church on a daily basis and has nothing to do with this ruthless new campaign of Ethics necessary to correct the Church’s departure from its previous 100% ethical condition.”

Captain Miscavige Turns 55, Has Chinese in Hemet


David Miscavige turned 55 today and had dinner at the China Palace in Hemet with WDC Chairman and his new vice-communicator Holotta Delusion, wife of Church spokesman Ken Delusion.

When presented with the bill, Mr. Miscavige demanded, and was given, the 10% seniors discount.

Fresh off his triumph of opening the nondescript and essentially unnecessary Basel Ideal Org, Mr. Miscavige’s future plans include spending time with his wog lawyers studying defenses to RICO.