List of Suppressive Persons:
- Ecclesiastical Leader Monthly Magazine
- New Scientology Earth Phone Released
- The Phone Call No One Wants to Get from OSA
- Filthy Godless Russian Communists Attack Church of Scientology
- Church of Scientology to Offer “Black Friday” Specials
- Tom Cruise Movie Stunt Goes Badly Wrong
- Breaking News: Xenu Located in Hemet, California
- “Operation Rescue Tom Cruise” Announced by Oprah Winfrey Network
- COB RTC David Miscavige Shows How to Correctly Slug PC’s Using GAT II Tech
- Scientology Boss David Miscaviges Assigns Jared Fogle to Create Pedanon
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“The new Scientology Earth Phone makes it possible for any Scientologist to call any other Scientologist on Earth,” announced Church spokesperson Stayta Kleer.
“But rather than relying upon dubious 21st century NSA-infested wog electronics and gimmicky apps, the Scientology Earth Phone relies upon the same rugged and proven 1950’s telephone technology Ron used — and this includes fully trained and hatted Church operators manning switchboards.”
“It’s a simple as dialing ‘O’ for an OSA operator to place a call,” said Kleer. “Once the operator is reached you simply tell them the name of the Scientologist to whom you wish to speak. You must also tell the operator why you wish to speak to the other party.”
“The operator will place you on hold while both you and the other party are checked against OSA’s list of disaffected and suppressive persons. Facebook friends are also checked. Once the OSA operator has determined that both parties are in good standing with the Church, the parties are connected.”
“For everyone’s safety,” emphasized Stayta Kleer, “the OSA operator will remain on the line and record the phone call. Calls are limited to fifteen minutes and should, ideally, only be concerned with advancing the cause of planetary clearing — and by this we mean confirming attendance at upcoming events and how to achieve targets for the vital next fundraise.”
“Per COB’s GAT II Phone Survival Rundown, no idle chitchat will be permitted or tolerated. Any off purpose calls will result in a KR and an Ethics handling.”
The phone call no one wants to get from OSA:
Godless Russian leader and SP Vladamir Putin today attacked the Scientology religion.
It happened in Moscow when Putin had his kangaroo court rule that Scientology is a business and not the world’s fastest growing religion.
“This is an outrage!” screamed Ms. Stayta Kleer, OSA Int CO of Global Significances.
Ms. Stayta Kleer, OSA Int CO of Global Significances
“Vladimir Putin and his fellow Psych Bolshevik buddies are obviously terrified of Scientology’s massive expansion in Russia,” declared Stayta Kleer. “The facts speak for themselves:
* Over five hundred billion square feet of planned new Ideal Orgs spanning Russia from Vladivostok to London.
*A 390,000x increase in Russia’s 197,000,000 Scientologists finding parking spots within ten minutes of postulating finding a parking spot.
* 100% On Source ecclesiastical beatings in Scientology’s 2,219,523 Russian Ideal Orgs.
“We in the Church of Scientology are royally pissed,” declared Stayta Kleer.”It’s obvious that the Moscow court decision is proveable bullshit — and that’s why COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige has ordered us to sue those goddamned Russian Commie bastards!”
“The Way to Happiness just isn’t going to work in Moscow because the entire city is full of criminals who are high on drugs. This is true because it has been proven by actual research that only criminals attack Scientology. Seriously, just look at how the wogs in Moscow drive!”
“The deep retail discounting during traditional American religious holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas has cheapened and devalued religious faith,” lamented Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.
“Frankly,” Delusion confided, “past Black Friday sales have kicked the bejesus out of Scientology’s annual holiday sales. It seems Scientologists and wogs alike would rather purchase worthless MEST flibberish instead of Scientology goods and services.”
“Honest to God,” Delusion roared, “an Apple watch, a set of Michelin all weather radial tires at 33% off list, or even one of those phone holders that allow people to take selfies are absolute junk — especially when compared to five intensives of Scientology auditing.”
“And here I’m talking real case-cracking expanded Dianetics FPRD that finds your evil purposes and blows you fifty feet out of your skull. This is the what makes a person cause over the MEST universe,” Delusion declared. “An Apple watch can never do that. Neither can a new set of Ping golf clubs or a Rolex. And a new $275,000 Bentley Continental GT definitely isn’t going to handle your reactive mind.”
“And that’s why
National Sales Manager COB RTC David Miscavige has authorized the lowest-ever Scientology prices this year on Black Friday. Why just take a look at these bargains:
Grade O to Clear package: $110,975
Clear to OTIII: $310,961,000
OTVIII – OTX: $154,454,228
“You read these prices right: The entire Scientology Bridge for under one million dollars! This is unprecedented in the history of this entire agonized universe!”
“Act now because this offer won’t last!”
Buoyed by the success of his Airbus plane-hanging stunt in Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation, Scientology OT and actor Tom Cruise decided to “up the gradient” to the next level of airplane stunt work. Accordingly, Cruise had his stunt team strap him to the starboard conformal fuel tank of an American F-15E fighter plane. “Things went well at V1 and V2 speeds,” said stunt coordinator and fellow Scientologist Bud Delong. “Tom was hanging on to the F-15 like a real pro.”
“The scene Tom insisted upon called for the pilot of the F-15 to go to full afterburners as soon as the aircraft lifted off. “This is where the problems began,” said Delong. “The sudden acceleration from 135 knots to Mach 1.2 was, in looking back at the stunt, not a good idea. The flesh began ripping off Tom’s face and body at around 180 knots.”
“This was definitely an engram-causing situation for Tom,” said Delong. “In the sixty seconds it took the F-15 to hit Mach 1.2 as it climbed through 30,000 feet Tom’s body had been ripped to pieces and hurled to the Earth. It was a real mess what with Tom Cruise’s meat body scattered all over the farms under the flight path.
“Fortunately, Flag has the exact technology needed to reassemble an OT,” Delong commented. “And so we collected and packed up the bits of Tom in dry ice and shipped him off to Flag by Fed-Ex overnight.”
“Flag reassembled Tom using the latest Super Power Rundowns. Tom is swollen something fierce and his head is the size of one of them big round Cuban watermelons, but that should all settle out in a few weeks with the use of daily auditing, touch assists, and Cal Mag.”
“Tom told me he felt great,” Delong remarked. “He chalked it all up to the fact that Earth meat bodies at this present time just can’t handle his OTness.”
Evil galactic spacelord Xenu has been located today in Hemet, California. Posing as the ecclesiastical leader of Scientology, the cosmic tyrant is considered mentally unhinged and dangerous.
Citizens are warned not to approach Xenu nor to fall prey to his rose-scented blandishments in which he promises the gullible Super Powers in exchange for large sums of money. Should they spot Xenu, citizens are asked to call the California Rogue Spacelord Control Bureau.
Xenu is believed to have escaped from his electronic mountain prison with the aid of an accomplice named of Tom Cruise. The two guh-lactic felons were last seen disguised as New Age swamis: