Church of Scientology Las Vegas Takes to the Streets!

Las.Vegas

The panicked call came into the Church of Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs: SP’s are meeting in Las Vegas to have fun!

As we in RTC oppose fun, a short and precise OSA program was immediately written to handle the Las Vegas crowd:

1. Exert local area PR control in Las Vegas by showing how the Church is flourishing and prospering.

Marshaling all five Las Vegas Scientologists still in good standing, a stress test table was set up. Initial reports from Saturday indicate that one raw meat wog took a free stress test  and purchased a book. Target for Sunday is two wogs.

Church of Scientology Offers Effective PR Solutions to Bill Cosby

“We are the experts on Public Relations,” declared Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion during his press conference at the Church’s Psychiatry: An Industry of Death museum in Hollywood.

bill-cosby“Scientology’s approach to PR is simple: Always attack, never defend. And so Bill Cosby needs to savagely attack his attackers and find their hidden crimes. This tactic works very well for we in the Church of Scientology,” Delusion remarked.

“Scientology’s ecclesiastical leader Mr. David Miscavige is a leading figure of our age — and yet he has had to endure negative PR from haters. Thus, Mr. Miscavige highly recommends that Bill Cosby use the following proven Scientology PR lines to respond to his attackers:

* These women were hired by Big Pharma to attack Bill Cosby due to his outspoken opposition to the wholesale psychiatric drugging of children in our schools.

* Only criminals looking for a payday would attack the beloved  Bill Cosby.

* The people on Bill Cosby’s staff responsible for past misbehavior were terminated long ago. These unfounded and hateful allegations are old news.

* Desperate for ratings and on the verge of bankruptcy, CNN is making sensational claims about disproven allegations that are old news.

* Those making the allegations are bitter defrocked apostates.

* If Humanitarian Bill Cosby were a criminal then why is he distributing millions of copies of The Way to Happiness in lands racked by the scourge of violence  and drugs?

* Bill Cosby has nothing to do with managing the daily affairs of his production company and so cannot respond to these allegations.

* Aside from making brief appearances to dedicate orphanages and hospitals, Mr. Cosby has never been in any of the states in which his accusers live. Indeed, none of the states in which his accusers live has any jurisdiction over Mr. Cosby. 

Kevin’s Not Gay No More!

We in RTC were shocked to see what happens when decent R6 implant religions become the victims — as is the Church of Scientology — of criminal Joking & Degrading on the internet.

The story begins when “Kevin” is delivered from being gay.

Please watch :15 – 1:05

Music Man Dre takes Kevin’s deliverance and turns it into musical J&D:

The lessons here:

1. Only the Church of Scientology can make a person ungay. We can “audit the gay away” for as little as $1,000,000.

2. Religion is a serious matter and should not be parodied.

3. If you believe you are gay and want to be ungay, please contact your nearest Scientology Ideal Org for immediate assistance.

4. The Church of Scientology hotline for help: 1-900-UNGAY ME. Scientology registrars are standing by 24/7 to assist those who wish to be ungay.

5. If you are gay and already in the Church of Scientology, please remain as deeply closeted as possible and don’t make waves or create an “Out PR” situation as these things can get messy.

6. While we in the Church of Scientology like to claim we are okay with gays, we actually are not and will never be.

7. COB is not gay.

Scientology Fleet Admiral David Miscavige in the RTC Bunker

Church of Scientology Financial Impact Accounts for 20% of Jobs in America

GAS.STATION“The Church of Scientology’s financial impact accounts for 20% of all jobs in America,” Church spokesman Ken Delusion declared today by telex from the ship.

“For example, our Ideal Org gas stations employee 230,000 people across all 72 states in America.”

“And because Scientology spending creates one out of every five jobs, we demand better treatment. The criminal joking and degrading about the Church of Scientology must stop! The unfounded internet attacks must stop! The snickering about Scientology celebrities must end! And yes, the endless japes about His Imperial Holiness David Miscavige must cease!” demanded Delusion.

“Likewise, the sniggering and chortling about the Xylene Encapsulating Nuclear Übermensch who figures so prominently in our upper level materials will cease upon pain of death!”

Chairman.Dave“But what we in the Church of Scientology want most of all, what we demand, is that His Imperial Holiness David Miscavige be given immunity from all civil and criminal acti0ns. If our demand is not immediately met by the US Congress and wog president Brent Obama, we will begin financial sanctions that include a ban on the on the sale of e-meters!”

“We don’t want to punish America,” Delusion darkly intoned, “but we will if His Imperial Holiness is held to account by wog courts and the wog justice system!”

Church of Scientology Leader David Miscavige Gives Texas a Gift!

ED.1Church of Scientology Ecclesiastical Leader, His Imperial Holiness David Miscavige, today decreed that Oklahoma no longer exists,” announced Monsignor Ken Delusion.

“In his infinite wisdom and beneficence, therefore, His Imperial Holiness David Miscavige has granted the land to the Great State of Texas.”

Texas

“With Oklahoma now being non-existent, the NAFC lawsuit in Oklahoma against His Imperial Holiness David Miscavige also no longer exists.”

Church of Scientology to Open Aquarium in Downtown Clearwater

aquarium-740x498“We are the experts on aquariums,” announced Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“And with that in mind, the Church will be opening a new aquarium here in Downtown Clearwater.”

david-miscavige-nashville-scientology-opening

“And quite unlike the proposed wogquaria, our monumental and highly deluxe new Ideal Aquarium Clearwater will be free to the public.”

“All we require in exchange for free entry is that guests sit through a short one hour film called Orientation and then sign a few legal waivers,” Delusion noted.

Fish.Store“What makes Ideal Aquarium Clearwater unique is that visitors will be able to take fish and fish supplies home in exchange for fixed donations.”

“Our new ecclesiastical aquarium will boom commerce in Downtown Clearwater!” Delusion enthused.