Church of Scientology Hires North Korea to Handle Media and Internet Problems

Kim“North Korea’s success in confronting and shattering a suppressive movie by Sony was extremely impressive,” declared Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“And that is why we in the Church of Scientology have hired the insouciant rogue nation to handle the Church’s seemingly endless media and internet problems.”

“The multi-year contract will pay North Korea up to one hundred million dollars in hard cash. This incentive program rewards North Korea for the quantity and efficiency with which it removes online entheta about the Church of Scientology. The internet and the media must be cleaned to a Snow White finish, so to speak,” Delusion proclaimed.

“We will also have North Korea handle the upcoming HBO and the BBC documentaries about Scientology,” Delusion added. “These so-called documentaries are wholly unnecessary and enturbulative and need to be purged from this local sector of the galaxy.”

Safeguarding Leadership

“Just as North Korea acted to protect its beloved leader, so too is the Church of Scientology acting to protect its beloved leader,” Delusion emphasized. “And that is why Our North Korean internet consultants know how vital it is to swiftly and decisively locate and remove all entheta focused upon the Church of Scientology’s global ecclesiastical leader Captain David Miscavige of the Sea Org.”

Captain David Miscavige

Captain David Miscavige

“The SP’s have pilloried our Captain Miscavige for being a brutal, profane, and vainglorious narcissist when in fact he is the most compassionate and important religious leader in the past 500,000 years. “

“His magnificence and importance can only be truly appreciated by removing the lies about him from the internet and the media.”

“Given the failure of our fancy wog lawyers and the quacking buffoons in OSA to handle the internet and the media,” Delusion complained, “We in RTC decided to hire North Korea as our new PR agency. Frankly, we like the North Korean method of handling entheta much better than what Mike Sitrick offered us.”

Church of Scientology to Fight Religious Bigotry at the Sundance Film Festival

sundance_classic“Nowhere is the face of religious bigotry uglier than at the Sundance Film Festival,” declared Church of Scientology spokesman Ken Delusion.

“And that is why we in the Church of Scientology are fighting religious bigotry by spending big money from our massive IAS war chest to get emergency legislation passed in Sundance, Utah.”

“This is a Fourth Dynamic salvage campaign of the greatest urgency,” Delusion stressed. “Therefore, we in the Church of Scientology are quite confident that the City of Sundance could use a new fleet of fire engines, police cars, and garbage trucks more than it could use some HBO hate film.”

“We in the Church of Scientology also believe so very deeply in acts of kindness; acts such as donating millions of dollars to underfunded municipal retirement funds. We think Sundance city employees can see the long-term benefit of a new law banning hate films as opposed to, say, allowing some godawful degenerate HBO documentary by Alex Gibney to be shown anywhere within the city limits.”

Alex.Gibney“Alex Gibney should  start living a decent life and do something to help mankind,” Delusion complained.  “Gibney and HBO do nothing to help mankind. Between Gibney and HBO groups like Enron and Scientology are treated  so unfairly.”

“It’s just not right,” Delusion protested. “And that is why COB RTC David Miscavige has ordered emergency actions aimed at stopping Gibney and HBO from damaging the Church of Scientology’s impeccable reputation.”

*Pow!* Anonymous Handled by Ruthie Heyerdahl

The classic February 2008 YT handling of Anonymous by Ruthie “I’m not a Scientologist but I would never attack anyone’s religion” Heyerdahl.  We in OSA still show this video in our top secret Handling Entheta Online training courses:

After this video aired, thousands of members of Anonymous came to their senses, resigned from Big Pharma, and turned themselves in to the authorities. Subsequent investigation revealed these members of Anonymous to be criminals, terrorists, carnival workers, sex perverts, lawyers, and Agents of SMERSH. Virtually all of them confessed under OSA interrogation to having destroyed planets on the wholetrack:

mri-lie-detector-1

Ruthie Heyerdahl went on to become a very successful Sea Org member and is now the Ideal Org Dictator of Los Angeles:

funny-wtf-mugshots-Woman-Teeth

 

How to get a convinced Scientologist on the road to donating more to the IAS!

Hustler.DaveHow to get a convinced Scientologist on the road to donating more to the IAS!

Stable Datum: All members of the Church of Scientology have a button on self importance, particularly OT’s and every single person in OSA.

Therefore, we in the IAS use the “self importance” button to soak these idiots appeal to Church parishioners to donate more money:

* It is only your donation that stands between Planetary Salvation and Planetary Destruction!

* COB was just telling us what a magnificent thetan you are. And now COB personally needs a favor from you. He needs you to help him pay the legal bills for a malicious Psych attack that could destroy Scientology!

* You alone are the entire reason the entire Church of Scientology will survive today. Don’t let the group down. Please make a heroic donation.

* Only you can save souls from being lost for eternity. Please donate today to help the IAS keep its Fourth Dynamic Salvage programs going.

* You are a Big Being — and your big beingness can save this planet. Write that check.

* Bob Duggan has a bigger IAS trophy than you do. Are you gonna let Bob get away with outdoing you in status? No, we didn’t think so.

* Grant Cardone: You and Elena are actually far more important to the Scientology religion than Tom Cruise. COB said so. COB needs you and Elena to step up and personally fund the CCHR campaign for Florida. COB needs you to stop the psychiatric drugging of children in Flag’s own backyard! Thanks, you guys are such BiG Beings who are sooooo Theta!

* Bob Duggan: “Bob, COB told us that just being around you completely blows charge for him. Bob, COB knows he can personally count on you and Trish to help him confront and shatter the Fourth Dynamic Engram on this prison planet. When people on this cleared planet look back one hundred years from now they will say, “Thank you Bob and Trish Duggan – and thank you COB!”

Gimme A David Miscavige Special!

Hustler.DaveGuy walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a David Miscavige Special!”

The bartender takes all of the guy’s money and beats him to a bloody pulp.

*****

Guy walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a David Miscavige Special!”

The bartender takes all of the guy’s money and gives him a big useless trophy.

*****

Guy walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a David Miscavige Special!”

The bartender takes all of the guy’s money, screams at him, calls him a criminal, and then kicks him outta the bar for eternity.

*****

Guy walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a David Miscavige Special!”

The bartender says, “Okay, but foist ya’s gotta pay me $40,000 large for Cornerstone Status .”

*****

Guy walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a David Miscavige Special!”

The bartender says, “Getoutta here! Dave Miscavige ain’t got nuthin to do with runnin’ this joint! I joke. Seriously, it’s five million dollars.”

*****

Guy walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a David Miscavige Special!”

The bartender takes all the guy’s money, slaps him around, makes him confess his crimes for a few weeks, and then gives him a fancy certificate.

Your turn….

New Multipurpose IAS Status Trophy Announced

Big.Bob.DIAS Patron Immortalius Blovicon and pharmaceutical billionaire Dob Ruggin’s mansion was becoming overcrowded by his hundreds of IAS status trophies.

“I was practically tripping over the darned things!” chuckled Dob at a recent IAS event wherein he was awarded yet another IAS trophy.  “That’s when I told my IAS reg Charmaine that I needed a solution — and Charmaine and the IAS  came through for me!”

The new Multipurpose IAS Status Trophy is a handsome two meter tall (six feet) trophy that  features a programmable digital display which allows IAS Patrons to program the trophy to be any type of trophy they want and need.

And so it is that Dob Ruggin was recently meeting with a potential new investor who was a Championship Rescue Swimmer in college. Before their meeting, Dob Ruggin, who cannot swim, programmed his new Multipurpose IAS Status Trophy to read:

“DOB RUGGIN – CHAMPIONSHIP COLLEGE RESCUE SWIMMER”

“Why Dob,” exclaimed the potential new investor, “I had no idea you were a championship rescue swimmer in college! So was I! Let me shake your hand my fellow college championship rescue swimmer!”

Dob Ruggin smiled and beamed from ear to ear.

“Dob, where did you do your championship rescue swimming in college?” asked the potential new investor.

“I did my championship rescue swimming at Wellesley College,” replied Dob.

“But Wellesley College is a women’s college Dob!”

“Well, actually back then Wellesley College allowed me to do championship rescue swimming on its campus as my college did not have a rescue swimming program.”

Dob Ruggin

Dob Ruggin, College Championship Rescue Swimmer!

“Dob, what town was Wellesley College’s championship rescue swimming program located?

“West Brighton.”

“But swimming pools are outlawed in West Brighton.”

“I know. The program offices were located in West Brighton while the actual championship rescue swimming practice pool was located in Brighton.”

“Fascinating. Now, Dob, about the millions of dollars I want to invest with your company, will it be safe?

“Of course it will. I give you my word as a fellow college championship rescue swimmer!” And with that Dob Ruggin was “off to the races” on his next IAS status level!

Church of Scientology Las Vegas Takes to the Streets!

Las.Vegas

The panicked call came into the Church of Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs: SP’s are meeting in Las Vegas to have fun!

As we in RTC oppose fun, a short and precise OSA program was immediately written to handle the Las Vegas crowd:

1. Exert local area PR control in Las Vegas by showing how the Church is flourishing and prospering.

Marshaling all five Las Vegas Scientologists still in good standing, a stress test table was set up. Initial reports from Saturday indicate that one raw meat wog took a free stress test  and purchased a book. Target for Sunday is two wogs.